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'Two and a Half Men' Premiere: RIP Charlie Sheen, Hello Ashton Kutcher

Charles Eshelman/FilmMagic(LOS ANGELES) -- Ashton Kutcher made his debut as Charlie Sheen's replacement on the season premiere of CBS’ Two and a Half Men Monday night.

The show opened with Jon Cryer’s Alan Harper eulogizing his departed brother -- Sheen's Charlie Harper -- at a memorial service attended by family members and several old flames, including characters played by Jenny McCarthy and Jeri Ryan.  When Alan spoke about Charlie living life to his fullest and giving everything he had, several women blurted out that he gave them herpes, Chlamydia and vaginal warts.

At the service, Charlie Harper’s stalker-turned wife, Rose, described his death, saying he fell in front of a Paris subway train.  Rose said, “Charlie didn’t suffer.  His body just exploded like a balloon full of meat.”

The obvious indication is that Rose, played by actress Melanie Lynskey, probably pushed Charlie onto the tracks and into the great beyond.

When Mrs. Harper holds an open house to sell the Malibu property in the wake of Charlie’s death, John Stamos makes a cameo and says he can't buy the house because it has bad memories of a drunken threesome in which a woman passed out and Charlie and him “kept going.”  Former Dharma and Greg stars Jenna Elfman and Thomas Gibson also made cameos as potential homebuyers who have apparently gone from a happy and loving twosome to a couple talking divorce.

Kutcher’s first appearance came when he suddenly showed up at the beach house and surprised Jon Cryer’s Alan while he was carrying his brother’s ashes in an urn.  Alan planned to sprinkle Charlie’s ashes on a beach where pretty girls with oil will sit on him all day, but the shock of Kutcher’s appearance sent the ashes spilling all over the floor.

Kutcher’s character, Walden Schmidt, wanted to commit suicide over a lost love by throwing himself in the ocean but the water was too cold.  Walden tries to reconcile with his ex-wife over the phone, but she rejects him.  Walden reveals he’s is an Internet billionaire.  When Alan suggests Walden put his wet clothes in the dryer, Walden gets completely naked, prompting Alan to remark, “He’s worth a billion dollars and he’s hung like an elephant.”

At a bar, Alan, who is normally clueless in the female department, finds himself encouraging Kutcher's Walden to introduce himself to a woman.  Two ladies later go home with the guys, but Walden is the only one who ends up sleeping with them.  Once again, Alan is left out of the action.  Walden later makes a decision, telling Alan, “I dig your house so I’m going to buy it.”

Copyright 2011 ABC News Radio

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